Have you ever had a friend who was head over heels in love with a person? Over time it became obvious to you that your friend was being taken for a ride, but they couldn’t see it. That is exactly what Dr. John Van Epp experienced as he worked with individuals in his counseling practice.
“Over the last ten years, I have become deeply committed to helping singles and singles-again in their dating and marital preparation,” said Dr. Van Epp, Marriage and Family therapist and author of How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk. “As I worked with individuals, I found myself talking with people who repeatedly became involved in unhealthy relationships. When I asked these individuals if they saw any sign of problem areas at the beginning of their relationship the answer was always yes. The bottom line is, they were suffering from what I call the ‘love is blind’ syndrome. They had become too attached and involved too quickly and overlooked the problem areas. Even when you know what to look for in the dating process, you can still be blindsided when you allow your attachment to become too strong too soon.”
As a result of his experiences, Dr. Van Epp developed a program to help people form healthy relationships. Van Epp proposes that there are five areas a person should know about another person before marrying.
Getting to know people is the first bonding dynamic. There are five bonding forces that create the feeling of closeness in every romantic relationship. They are: getting to know about the person you are dating: family background, what a person’s conscious is like, compatibility potential, relationship skills and previous relationship patterns.
Second, is the trust dynamic. As you get to know a person based on the areas listed above you shape a picture in your mind of what this person is like. From that picture comes trust. The third dynamic is reliance. As you really get to know a person you look to them to meet certain needs that you have. This forms reliance in the relationship. Fourth is the dynamic of commitment. As a relationship grows, it has different definitions. Each definition is a level of commitment. Friends have a low level of commitment, whereas best friends have a higher level of commitment to each other and soul mates have the highest level of commitment. The fifth dynamic is sexual touch. This includes chemistry as well as any expression of touch from hand holding to giving a hug to complete openness.
“Think of this like your stereo mixing board where each one of these dynamics is a slider that goes up and down,” said Dr. Van Epp. “There is a certain safe zone that will protect you from the ‘love is blind’ syndrome. You should never let one level exceed the previous. For example, the level of your sexual involvement should never exceed your level of commitment, which should never exceed your level of reliance. Your level of reliance should not exceed the trust picture you develop and that should not go beyond what you know about that person in the key areas.”
According to Dr. Van Epp, most if not all relationship problems occur when there is an imbalance in these five dynamics. For instance, co-dependency occurs when the reliance dynamic is at the top and what you know about the person and trust about the person is significantly lower. For the person that is sexually active, their sex level is high and their commitment dynamic is low as well as all the others. The naive person fills in the gap of their trust picture long before they actually know the person they are dating in these five areas. Their trust level is high and their real knowledge of the person is low. Never allow the level or intensity of a bonding force to exceed the level of the previous bonding force.
“If you really want to make sure you aren’t marrying a jerk it takes time,” said Dr. Van Epp. “There is no substitute. You need to spend time talking with each other about all kinds of things. You also need to do things together. This is why electronic relationships are dangerous. It is one thing to have someone tell you about their family via the internet. It is totally different to actually spend time with their family and watch how they interact together. Based on research, there seems to be an imbedded amount of time that it takes to know someone that you can’t get around. It is certainly possible to meet someone and have this sense of love at first sight and be married for 50 years, but the risks of marrying someone you don’t know are very high. The divorce rate is twice as high for those who have dated less than two years before getting married. Therefore, time is a strong predictor of a lasting marriage. BUT, time alone doesn’t give you an accurate enough picture. When your brain knows what to look for, and your heart knows how to keep the boundaries and balances in your growing attachment, then you will be in the best position to make a marital choice you will not regret.”
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