More
Perfect Union
Therapist
Bill Doherty says marriage is threatened by his own profession
Minnesota
Monthly, July 2008
By
Andrea Grazzini Walstrom
A
More Perfect Union
BILL
DOHERTY, the marriage therapist, was meeting with divorce lawyers.
Not,
for
the record, to end his own marriage of 36 years. Nor was he there to
lecture
them about the damage their work wreaks on families. Doherty, a
wirey
63-year-old with fair skin and white hair, was moderating a
discussion
among
a small group of attorneys in Edina. The lawyers were wrestling:
Should
they suggest other options to their clients? Did their professional
code
of ethics allow them to caution couples against divorce?
Good
therapist that he is, Doherty listened carefully for most of the
session
and then, finally, offered his own vision: What about providing an
³exit
ramp² for couples on the road to divorce‹such as reconciliation
resources
for interested couples? By the time the meeting was over, Doherty
had
³buy-in from every single person in the room,² says Linda Wray,
one of
the
attorneys in attendance. In other words, he¹d talked a bunch of
divorce
lawyers
into counseling the virtues of not using their services.
William
³Bill² Doherty is the director of the marriage and family therapy
program
in the department of Family Social Science at the University of
Minnesota.
A practicing therapist, respected professor, and seasoned
researcher,
he has been widely quoted on the subject of marriage in the
national
media. He is the author of 13 books, including Take Back Your
Marriage,
and the producer of a number of video series, among them, one for
engaged
couples, featuring his daughter, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas. He may
also
be, judging by his resumé, the nation¹s most zealous advocate for
healthy
marriages.
Marriage
is ³good for couples, their kids, and society,² says Doherty. But
the
institution has also taken a beating since the 1970s, when Doherty
first
began
counseling couples. The stigma associated with divorce has largely
disappeared;
and expectations regarding wedded bliss have expanded
considerably.
³Marriage has weakened as an institution while the ideals for
what
it should accomplish have gone through the roof,² he says.
Doherty
doesn¹t blame divorce lawyers or any specific group for the erosion
of
marriage. He points the finger at a number of factors, chief among
them a
³consumer
culture² that surrounds marriage and his colleagues, therapists
themselves.
THE
DIVORCE RATE among American couples reached roughly 50 percent in
the
1980s,
after climbing dramatically for two decades. And it hasn¹t budged
much
since then.
Part
of the problem, as Doherty sees it, is the influence of consumerism
on
views
of marriage: ³Consumer culture tells us that we never have enough
of
anything
we want, that the new is always better than the old,² he writes in
his
book Take Back Your Marriage. ³It teaches us not be loyal to
anything or
anyone
that does not continue to meet our needs at the right price.²
The
notion of spousal duty‹sticking by your mate even in the most
trying
times‹seems
to have disappeared from the marriage contract altogether. ³The
traditional
marriage vows in some parts of the country,² Doherty noted in a
1999
speech, ³are changed to Œas long as we both shall love,¹ instead
of Œas
long
as we both shall live.¹ I think people now are beginning to see
themselves
as Œleasing¹ a marriageŠ. [It¹s] like saying, ŒI¹m not sure if
this
car will last long, so I¹ll lease.¹²
Consumer
attitudes have also heightened expectations about getting hitched.
Doherty
worries that newlyweds may have unrealistic ideas about what marital
relations
can actually offer. ³Couples expect great sex and great
communications
and equal-gendered partnerships,² he says. ³There is maybe
one
couple who has achieved it, and they live in Indiana.²
Such
problems are exacerbated, Doherty maintains, when couples seek
counseling.
Most therapists are trained to stay ³values neutral,² he says.
Professionally,
they¹re expected to refrain from inserting their opinions
into
their clients¹ decisions. If a client says her problem is her
marriage,
the
thinking goes, the solution is a divorce. Rather then fight the
seeming
inevitability
of a split, many therapists focus their energies on supporting
the
individual in her decision-making.
But
Doherty isn¹t willing to give up on marriage quite that quickly.
The
benefits
of marriage are too numerous: Research shows that married couples
are
generally better off financially than singles and even unmarried
couples.
Married women are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than
single
women, and married men report more satisfying sexual relationships
than
their bachelor counterparts. Children born to married parents are
less
likely
to experience poverty, abuse, and behavioral and emotional problems
than
children born out of wedlock.
So
Doherty is hustling to keep couples together and sometimes even get
them
married.
It¹s consuming work that has Doherty delivering keynote speeches at
conferences
around the world and leading talks and groups here at home.
Minnesota
has a long history of support for couples and families, he says.
But
that doesn¹t mean there¹s always unanimous support for the kind of
marriage-boosting
initiatives Doherty would like to see funded. The state¹s
³many
liberals and progressives identify a marriage-positive stance as a
conservative
value,² he says. (Lest you think he sounds like a right-wing
patsy:
He¹s progay marriage. Communities are healthier, he says, when
same-sex
couples are in committed, socially sanctioned relationships.)
IT¹S
DINNERTIME on a Thursday night and Danyelle and Davis Draheim are
eating
Subway sandwiches with other couples in the basement of Catholic
Charities
of St. Paul and Minneapolis. They¹re here to participate in a talk
led
by Doherty on ³Men and Women: How Are We Different?² The event is
part
of
the Minnesota Family Formation Project, a Doherty-led effort for
unwed
parents
interested in marriage‹to keep fathers involved in their kids
lives
and
reduce the strain on mothers who are often financially and
emotionally
strapped.
Doherty
relaxes as he talks, his scholarly locution replaced by the East
Coast
accent of his working-class childhood. He grew up in a large
Irish-Catholic
family in Philadelphia, where, he says, ³marriage was
forever.²
He met his wife, Leah, in 1970, and perhaps not unexpectedly, the
union
has become a lab for Doherty¹s ideas on how to get couples to
connect:
He
often tells groups how he and his wife used to shoo their children
away
from
the table after dinner so they could talk for a few minutes‹one on
one‹over
a cup of coffee. Their rituals also include a nightly dip in the
hot
tub outside their Roseville home.
As
the crowd polishes off the sandwiches, Doherty talks about
expectations
in
marriages. ³We expect our spouse to act like our very best same-sex
friend,²
he says. Heads nod with recognition. ³It¹s not going to happen,²
he
adds.
The group laughs.
The
Draheims are here because they saw a flyer in a packet of new-baby
literature
shortly after their first son was born. If they signed up to
participate
in a new program for unmarried couples, the flyer indicated,
they
could avail themselves of the services offered by a relationship
coach,
meet
with a married mentor couple, participate in the ³Couples
Connection²
classes
Doherty leads, and get a yearly stipend. ³It was 70 bucks,² says
Davis.
³What did we have to lose?² Within a year of receiving the flyer,
they
were married.
It
isn¹t the first time Doherty has used financial incentives to
encourage
people
to think about getting married or about nurturing their marriage. In
2001,
Doherty worked with state senator Steve Dille, of Dassel, to secure
what
is now a $70 discount on marriage licenses for couples who complete
12
hours¹
worth of premarital classes. (Nearly 40 percent of newlyweds take
advantage
of the marriage-license discount, which couples can obtain if they
provide
proof that they¹ve completed a pre-marriage education program.) In
2004,
Doherty and Dille worked together again to secure a $5
marriage-license
surcharge to augment $1 million in federal Temporary
Assistance
for Needy Families (TANF) funds for the Family Formation Project.
Is
there a return on the investment in marriage that Doherty‹and
taxpayers‹have
made? Nationally, the divorce rate for college-educated women
has
dropped by one third in the last decade, and Doherty says young
people
have
a different view of divorce than their parents: 45 percent of 18 to
29
year
olds say divorce should be avoided except in extreme cases.
Doherty¹s
own
research on premarital education has found that premarital couples
programs
strengthens unions: A majority of the couples he surveyed said
pre-wedding
conversations with a therapist, minister, or other professional
had
improved their communication and conflict management skills.
Doherty
also believes he¹s changing the ³neutral² stance of some of his
peers.
When he offered a workshop on ³Couples on the Brink: Stopping the
Marriage-Go-Round²
at a conference for marriage and family therapists, his
session
was swamped by nearly 400 attendees. The ensuing dialogue touched
repeatedly
on psychotherapists¹ contribution to their clients¹ divorces.
But
some believe Doherty is going too far. Barry McCarthy, a therapist
and
professor
at American University in Washington, D.C., thinks some marriages
are
³fatally flawed² by abuse, deception, or serious incompatibility.
In
such
cases, McCarthy believes therapists should keep their personal
values
out
of couples¹ decisions. Still, even McCarthy counts himself among
Doherty¹s
many fans.
³Bill
is one of the most well-respected people in the marriage and family
industry,²
says McCarthy. Diane Sollee, the director and founder of the
Coalition
for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education, says Doherty has a
unique
ability ³to work with very different groups all within their goals
and
help them reach consensus.²
Like
marriage, Doherty¹s work takes plenty of commitment. ³Couples work
at
marriage
together,² he says. ³They take responsibilities. They don¹t give
up
hope.²
And neither, Bill Doherty adds, will he.
Andrea
Grazzini Walstrom is a freelance writer who lives in Burnsville.
http://www.minnesotamonthly.com/media/Minnesota-Monthly/July-2008/A-More-Per
fect-Union/
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